DBT TOOL · ASK, OR SAY NO

DEARMAN

When you need to ask for help, or say no, and you are afraid it will cost you the relationship - this helps you say it clearly and kindly.

DEARMAN, defined

DEARMAN, defined DEARMAN is a way to ask for what you need, or say no, so that you keep both your self-respect and the relationship. Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, stay Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate. You plan the words ahead, so you can be clear and kind at the same time.

Never a straight line. Not every ask lands - saying it clearly and kindly is already the win.

21 DAYS TO REWIRE A THOUGHT.
21 WEEKS TO REWIRE A LIFE.

Asking for what you need is not too much. Plan the words. Describe the facts, express how you feel, ask clearly, and say why it helps. Stay on point, keep a steady voice, and be ready to meet halfway. Clear and kind can live in the same sentence.
⬇ Download this worksheet to send
12345678DESCRIBEEXPRESSASSERTREINFORCESTAY ONITSTEADYMEETHALFSTEPBACKthe factshow you feelask clearlywhy it helpsthe pointvoice and eyesgive to getwhich is it?STARTSTEADIER
DBT TOOL · THE MOVES

The moves

Plain and small. Tap any move to open it.

1 · Describe

Describe the situation with plain facts, no blame. When the meds run low by Friday...

2 · Express

Say how you feel and what you think, owning it. I feel scared when... Do not make them guess.

3 · Assert

Ask for what you want, or say no, clearly. People cannot read your mind.

4 · Reinforce

Tell them the good that comes from it, for them too. Make it worth their yes.

5 · Mindful

Keep to the point. If they push or derail, calmly say your ask again.

6 · Appear confident

Steady voice, eye contact, upright. You can feel shaky and still stand steady.

7 · Negotiate

Be willing to give a little to get a little. Offer an alternative you can both live with.

8 · Step back and tell the difference

Not every want is worth a hard ask. Step back - how much does this matter, and is now the right moment and person? Use the prompts in the record to tell it apart.

See one full pass
DESCRIBE and EXPRESS
'When I do every night shift, by Friday I am empty, and I am scared I will make a mistake.'
ASSERT
'I need you to take two nights a week.'
REINFORCE
'Then I am rested, and safer for both of us.'
NEGOTIATE
'If two is hard, could we start with one and review?'
DISTRESS
Eased from 7/10 to 4/10.
It felt risky to ask. I said it kindly and clearly. That is the rep.
DBT TOOL · YOUR TURN

Walk it through

Fill it in the moment, or just after. It works on paper too - no buttons needed.

My DEARMAN
What I need to ask
Describe
Express
Assert
Reinforce
Mindful
Appear confident
Negotiate
Step back and tell the difference
Ask, or let it go? Step back

Not every want is worth a hard ask. Step back - how much does this matter, and is now the right moment and person?

Distress before/10
Distress after/10
Say it
Your statement builds itself here as you work down the record.
Recover. Rebuild. Renew. · myMove21.com

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Your needs are not a burden to be hidden. Naming them plainly is honest, and honesty is holy ground. You get still, you ask, and you trust the outcome to God.

“Be still, and know that I am God.”

Psalm 46:10 · NIV
Why it works

Asking effectively and being heard builds a felt sense that your actions matter, your agency - read the research.

A general mechanism, not a guarantee. This supports good care; it does not replace it.